What if I hadn’t changed, what if I hadn’t come back to God at age 24? Would I have been sorry in the end for continuously defying His efforts to pull me out of mental illness? And would Mom’s vision of me in flames have come true?
She told me of this vision days after I came back home from the hospital after yet another suicide attempt. “You’d better change your mind about where you want your life to go, or we will both be sorry,” she said in a solemn tone. “What are you saying?” I asked incredulously, knowing with a sense of horror what she was insinuating. “If you go, I do, too,” she responded.
Now another life depended on me. It was time to get serious. God was really warning me, wasn’t He? It was time to let go of the darkness, the anger, the hate, the inner demons. It was time to embrace the light. His Light.
It would not be long before my spiritual demise, and maybe even my earthly demise, if I did not change. I was not always this way which I am now, friends – jolly, loving, friendly. I had my own Gethsemane years. I lived hell on earth, and I maybe lived earth in hell – in dreams/visions I visited hell. I will warn you that God made certain Commandments for a reason. I realize these are very heavy topics. But I am trying to help people from making permanent mistakes with permanent consequences.
In my case, Satan has always been after me. There are about two or three Priests who cared to save my life and my very soul, that I have met in my lifetime. One did a minor exorcism on me in December of 2018 at age 29 when it was all starting to surface again, but this is because a major one would have actually done damage. Only a minor one was needed. There are different levels depending on the “symptoms,” so to speak, and the power of the demon involved. While I will spare you the details, I will say they are more horrifying that any movie or TV show.
These past five months, I feel him trying to get me again. Strange things happen, and I try to fight it, but I am very spiritually worn. Recently a friend had a scary dream about me, and it has me shaken. I do not know what this means. But it is scary for me.
Still, I fight. And I fight. I NEVER GIVE UP, and if I will not, NEITHER SHOULD YOU. I do not know when I will see an end to this battle, but somehow I feel that I will spend a lifetime fighting the devil off. My main concern is to protect others from him. I don’t want to see anyone be lost to him if I can prevent it. He has not taken away my dream of helping people. I help people now, and I will ALWAYS help people. And he can be as angry as he wants about it, but I will never stop. God’s light is guiding the way. And that’s how it should be, as it is how I serve the Lord!
-Zahra Marie <3